


Just Be Close At Hand

by karyatid



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, post-TFA
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 12:14:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6610342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karyatid/pseuds/karyatid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thing is, it was easier to miss her brother when she thought he wouldn't come back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Be Close At Hand

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DesertVixen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertVixen/gifts).



> For DesertVixen, May the 4th be with you!

"Acknowledged," Leia says. "Please confirm time of arrival." She nods at the comm officer, who beams at her, happy to be the one to bring the General such good news. Rey's voice, joyful even over the tinny connection follows her, and it's a relief when she's finally alone and can let her smile slide off her face. So, Luke is coming back after all.

The thing is, it was easier to long for her brother when she thought he wouldn't come back. Now, Leia's not actually sure she wants to make up with him, doesn't know if it's even within reach. The wound he gave her by leaving is painful, still, but scabbed over and she sees no reason to reopen it. Her fantasies of asking him to hold her and make everything alright again will remain fantasies, here, in the real world, she's not even sure she'd want it. But on the other hand she missed him for many years, it seems wrong that they should be reduced to awkward strangers around each other.

The landing area has been cleared without her asking for it, to give them a chance to reunite in private. There's Chewie, and Rey, and then her brother, old and sad. He doesn't speak, but she can feel his guilt, his apologies radiating from him through the Force, and suddenly it's too much. 

"No," she says, forcing herself to remain cold to his outstretched arms. "Don't say you're sorry, I can't." Rey is looking between them, bewildered and a little worried, and she'll have to explain, later, not now, she needs to get away. "C-3PO will be here any moment, he'll show you to your quarters."

"Of course," Luke says, and he's somehow shut his mind to her, a low-level background noise suddenly gone quiet. "It's good to see you," 

"You too," she says, and manages to step forward on stiff legs to give him an awkward hug. 

**

She keeps her distance successfully for two weeks, Base gossip be damned. It's hurting him, she doesn't need to be near him to know it, to sense it. But he doesn't push. 

Han is often in her dreams these days, a steady presence he'd never really managed in life. Infuriating, too, arguing with her. _You're hurting yourself, can't you see?_ She wakes to the familiar stabbing pain of loss and regrets, reminding her that it's not over, will never be. She'd always been so sure Han would come back for good one day, but instead he left her one last time. And she knows that although she's angry with her brother, she can't let him turn into a stranger. 

Before they knew what their connection really was she'd been amazed at how she could always find Luke (the same way she could so effortlessly avoid running into him these past weeks). It's no different now. She's not sure she ever noticed the little balcony close to the Med centre before, but she finds the way easily through the near-empty corridors of a base still on the brink of waking up. 

Luke doesn't appear to be meditating, just watching the rain. He lights up when he turns to see her, but her expression, or maybe the feelings radiating from her makes his face crumble in worry. 

"What's wrong?" he says and she doesn't know it she wants to laugh or sob or shout. Everything's wrong. 

He pats the floor beside him and it's muscle memory more than anything else that leads her to sit beside him, lean into his side as he puts his arm around her shoulder. It used to be so easy, to seek him out for comfort, and now it doesn't feel entirely right. 

Mercifully, he doesn't say he's sorry, just keeps holding her. She grabs a fold of his tunic, rubbing it between her fingers. She's learnt to gather her pain and bring it with her into the next battle; it's only when faced with sympathy she comes close to breaking. 

"Why did you leave?"

It's only when she's already asked the question she realises her anger is, not gone, but a fire banked rather than burning through her. He considers her question for a moment. 

"Fear, mostly," he says. "Those deaths, they kept haunting me, and I was worried that I." He swallows. "I kept thinking of revenge. Kept wanting it. I saw myself giving in to darker needs."

Leia pushes down the part of her wanting to remind him that she was haunted as well, but stayed. They are different, in this. Her connection to the Force is a part of her, but one she can set aside. She's never felt herself balancing on that precipice, that draw to the dark side. The man who never was her father was a monster, but she did listen back when Luke told her the Force-ghosts' sad tales, and she knows the monster grew from a man defenceless against the fear of bereavement. She has faith in the Resistance, but she knows Luke's strength. If he turned, she'd quickly find herself leading good people in a losing war. 

"You could have told me," she says. "I missed you."

Luke draws her closer, lets her rest her head on his shoulder. "I missed you, too."

She's relieved when he doesn't ask her to forgive him and they watch the rain in silence, the shifting gray skies and wind-bent trees just outside the balcony railing. After a while the chill starts to get to her, even as she's huddled against his side, and visions of hot caf and toast tempt her inside. But not yet. She has her brother by her side again, solid and comforting, his arm warm around her shoulders.

"Will you stay, now?"

"Yes," he says, and she believes him. "As long as you need me. Which might not be very long, at the pace Rey is learning."

She slaps him on the knee. "You can brag inside, over a cup of caf."

Luke groans, but gets up obediently, offering his hand to help her up. "I did not miss Mess Hall caf."

"I have a secret stash in my quarters. Privileges of rank, you know."

Luke smiles at her and she sees shades of the boy who wanted to save a princess and join the rebels. "After you, General."

End


End file.
